Thursday, July 31, 2008

Phat Wednesday Four and a Loonie

Round four aptly held on the 4x course, or the giant slalom or the dual vision or whatever you wanna call it.

Basically it was not a dh race in the slightest and put off alot of people from actually attending. in fact it was the lowest attended phat wednesday by far this year. For the kids with dual bikes it was perfect and they got to show their wares. for the rest on big bikes it was like pissing into the wind. the results prove this.

anyhow, dave patten and carlos the mexican are back in town so despite the low attendence at the apres it still turned messy. again i woke up on thursday morning not knowing how and when i left the party, witht he only thing sto show for the night before is a mega hangover and more scratches on the helmet from riding home way too drunk to be in control of a vehicle of any sort.

for the first time this summer i actually did make it to the thursday night Loonie race that followed a phat wednesday. however i was less than stoked to have to ride out to function junction in the pissing rain. we (myself and back in action fellow xc bandit, steve reid) missed the start of the race so we decided to pedal out to cheakamus lake in stead. god damn it is beautiful out there. so worth the pissing rain ride. on the way back we stopped at the Loonie apres. seems it was best food and beer of the summer. shame it was mega pissing down and we were keen to pedal the 9 km home and get out of our soaking riding gear. what is it with the best apres having the worst weather all summer long?

ps. the above photo has nothing at all to do with this article if it has been concerning you why its there. just part red herring and part obituary as it seems the glory has been sold.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Up the Khybers...

Yesterday went and got some much needed alpine fresh air. Took the lifts up Whistler rode down old No Joke (scoped out the progress on the new Freight Train and new No Joke) then rode up past RDS to Khybers. 

I first heard about Khybers whilst doing a winter here. A friend told me the first time he skiied that area it changed his life and from that moment onwards he knew he was destined to spend the rest of his life in Whistler. Since that moment i had to explore for myself and the skiing in that 'zone' didnt dissappoint. it is an experience rather than just another line in the mountains. The biking up there has had mixed reviews. Partly due to its long effort required to get there and partly due to a very mixed message style of trail - is it big bike terrain or hardcore xc?

The ride down varied from the most beautiful oldgrowth flowy trail of Khybers to blown down blown out trail of Upper Babylon which turned some sections into hike-a-bike. Then Lower Babylon is an overgrown Alder whip fest but finishing with the flow and fun of Tunnel Vision. All in all the trail could of been a fireroad and i would of been happy just with that time spent in the alpine at the top. Whatever, 1600 metres vertical descent and 25km round trip aint bad for a wee mid day lap with still time to spare to get some more garbo dh laps in and a session in at the dirt jumps in the same day.

Please Whistler-Blackcomb can you open more alpine singletrack to bikers. How about Blackcomb accessed from the Peak-to-Peak next summer?  

Monday, July 28, 2008

GearJammer? Whats that? The GearJammer is a 47 KM point to point cross country mountain bike race with roughly 4100' of elevation gain. It uses a heaping of th most gnarly and tech singletrack Squamish has to offer. in fact 70% of the course is singletrack. 

when i heard about a 'cross country' race in Squamish i wasnt to fussed about it as i imagined spandex, roadie mutants and buff non technical fireroads. not the case in this bad boy.

After hearing plenty of the right people proclaim the races less than roadie friendly course i was keen as beans. 

The race is nuts. imagine the kinda ride you have in your most sadistic dreams then do it non stop at race pace. in fact just doing it is a weird achievement. imagine doing a weeks worth of trail riding in three hours. imagine doing a weeks worth of hearty uphilling in one dose. 

i had heard about the race from Jonny (uber fit whippet) and i managed to round up Jamie 'Hucking is my middle name' Tilbury and Sheryl 'Shirley Macclaim' Macloed to join us.

i couldnt possibly begin to remember the whole three hours of awesome riding, let alone bore you to death with a blow by blow account, so you will either have to imagine what its like wrapping hot tar covered rags around your thighs whilst breathing on the air that is made up of 95% chilli seed, or just come do it next year.

highlights from the race would have to be smoking off a little irritating maggot on a tasty over taking maneouver on the inside after ten minutes of him failing to give way, the chick with massive knockers handing out melons at the second water station, and simply getting to shralp a good amount of Squamish singletrack in one day. 

in the end Jonny took the win in the 20-29 year old category and i took second place in the same category. stoked to be on the podium...AT AN XC RACE!! WTF!?!?! the fastest dudes where obviously mutants in spandex but they must of also been damn fast as technical riders.

i would like to say that the Scott Ransom performed outstandingly and its adjustable geometry and suspension combined with its incredibly light weight allowed me to string together a fair result. i would also like to thank AnuSol for its wonderful anti chaf cream and Mega Wholefoods Protein supplements for helping me bulk up enough to slay the course. no seriously i would love say all that but i cant possibly bring myself to being the kind of A-hole that would say that kinda thing.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Loonie Race

News just in...Tonights loonie race set a new standard in negativity for Ginger Si (mountain bikings most eccentric persona). The grueling 100% uphill road race really took its toll on people and left them feeling worse than that baby that "accidently" put through a 45 minute spin cycle in the warm setting in a Daewoo WA17-b clothes dryer.

The course started going up hill fast on a fireroad which witht he dry conditions made you feel like you had been clearing the asbestos roofing from a cigarette factory for the last thirty years. It then turned into a "challenging up hill technical climb" which was the highlight of the course, becuase after it went up some more on the fireroad, then turned around and went up the fireroad some more, then went up a really steep bit of fireroad before rider either triumphantly or dejectedly crossed the finish line.

Ginger Si was quoted at the apres as saying "it was shhhhhhhiiiiiiiitttttttt! I only come here for the fun, and that course was definetely not fun!!!!!!!" even a cold beer and a sausage cooked by a child couldn't cheer him up. grave times.

For me the only highlight was having Fanny Packet cheer me on up one of the climbs and hearing Ginger Si rant in the food queue. i was waiting for the helmet punt really though. to be totally honest i would have to agree, a totally shite course in every aspect. bring on the singletrack please!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that the loonie course selection should be given 4 dead babies out of 5. Any number of dead babies is bad so the higher the number the worse it must be.

More Tim Ceci on MTBCUT.TV

More footie of Tim Ceci and Queenstown up on as part of the Lapierre-Saloman trip earlier this year. Not long till im home and i can't wait!!! Tim 'the giant' Ceci get married in little over a month or so, but before that there is a stag do...apparently Tim is shitting it, about the stag do that is.

Would love to put the video up as embed but i cant make it so. Instead go to and scroll till you see 'Part4 Wanaka: Team Lapierre-Saloman'. Funny cause there's zero footage from Wanaka. Apparently the multi-sporters in Wanaka chases them out of town saying that Salomans range of technical outer wear is the work of satan, and that they far prefer rubbing dead sheep fat on each other for insulation when they are canoeing-biking-climbing. Some people from Wanaka are weird...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Revolution Mag

Revolution V12 Cover
Met Matt from Ozzy dh and freeride mag [r]evolution yesterday. nice chap. he too hates forum fuck wits.
if ever you come across this mag then be sure to check it out (ie. actually buy a copy and support it) as its full of well informed content, nice lay out and some good photos. It's only quarterly and usually only available in the SouHemi but keep an eye out for it.


Yup its a freakin Giant Glory. There has been one mysterious piccie of the 'new' Glory flying around for a month or two but this confirms's a boner maker.
No words yet on why, how much or what, but please god let it be lighter (looks 3lb lighter), available in NZ in oct/nov, and still the most value for money and best performing DH rig available on market.
Im pretty sure that the Bossard Idyll forks wont be coming OEM. This is Oscar Sainz' bike. what is up with his seat?
Anyone wanna buy a 08 model? Im selling mine now.


After one day sitting on the couch (and outside Moguls Coffee shop) because of the bloody Swiss Flu that a Biological Disease Scientist brought over,  i feel like i ha some serious riding to make up for. so today was full on. 
woke up at 7am and hit the xc mission to check out some work the vollies have done on Cat Scratch Fever. Still wouldn't recommend the trail. Instead keep climbing and hit Billys Epic.
The took guests up to Garbo and tried to kill them, sorry educate them in Goats Gully. haha, tomorrow is mega roll day boys. 
went home lunch and siesta. then solo mission up Garbo for so much needed pinner runs. and to wash it all down went to Dirt Jumps with J-Rad and did some flips. Needed to get them outta the system as havent done one on dirt here yet this summer.
AAAAAAhhhhhh, full day.

Monday, July 21, 2008


Ok someone out there must know what's going on. I struggle to do a half decent stem shagger most days and these dudes completely defy the laws of physic. Have a click on these

Anyone? answers please.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

keep it like a secret

Rode 'that' trail today. Holy freakin moly!!! Not only is it even better than i remember, its having a bit of  facelift and fuck me sideways with a broom if it aint even more dreamy.

Would love to let you know what trail i mean or where it is but...nah, sorry. Too good 

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Postal workers have no idea how to do their job

Vice Chancellor of Happytown, Seb Kemp, has announced today that a party of thanks will be held in honour of either Canada Post or New Zealand Post today after it was confirmed that his birthday present from his missus is lost in the post.

There has been murmors around Happytown that said item had been mislaid by work shy dyslexic post office workers, however todays confirmation, by New Zealand Post, sends shockwaves to all loved ones globally who are gearing up for the Christmas post season.

Seb Kemp refused to comment as he was brutally beating the living crap out of his postman at the time. When invited to comment both Canada Post and New Zealand Post shrugged their shoulders, took a sip from their wine glass and said that the necessary forms would need to be fill out by the sender and the failed recipient, sent to head office where house trained monkey would see that the matter was properly investigated.

The fall out from this incident, which analysts are hoping is an isolated case, is that Seb Kemp is still without a camera so no photos will be available on this site unless they are stolen images from Google Images.


Sunday, July 13, 2008


Today was a very very good day indeed, for today i finally got to see a real live BEAVER!!!

The little bastards have alluded my gaze for sometime now but today whilst gracefully kayaking down the RGD with Steve Reid we spotted a prime example of this fine Canadian animal. And i will let you what, they are fooking massive!!!! Rather than being the size of a cat or mutant gerbil, they are the size of a bloody dog. A fair sized dog at that.

The only animal of BC I have yet to see is a cougar. But i reckon if i do see one of those buggers then it would probably be chewing on my leg rather than chewing on a branch. which leads me to ponder, do i really really want to see one still?

Friday, July 11, 2008

I don't even understand this so i'm just throwin

Quietly checking by Ride UK BMX mag today i noticed this report saying Harrow Skatepark is getting destroyed or disappearing or something...For anyone who has ridden there this must be a shock cause that place RULED!!!! I remember a trip up there with Ben Morgan and Mike. We took the train from downtown London and shredded the place all day...well we didn't shred it we just rode it as hard as we could and enjoyed the billion lines.


Imagethis shit cracks me up

Thursday, July 10, 2008

loonie thursdays


why? well if a great course, 200 other riders, good weather, free beers, free food and hanging out talking shit with other riders after work on a thursday evening aint your thing then FUCK OFF. 

how about i tell you it only costs $2 entry each week? well then if this takes your fancy then i will see you next thursday.

this week the course was another westside jaunt but with more road climbing (easy does it) but a mental start...THREE TWO ONE GO!!! GO WHERE???

Thanks to Nita Lake Lodge and RBC this week. 

photo: Stumpy

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Tom n Foz Heart Dirty Wood

Even with the betterer weather here in Whistleringtonshire recently the Lost Lake Beach has still been missing that certain something...

After much pondering i realised that what the beach has been missing is the presence of Tom n Foz, the Tanniest Men On The Planet (not forgetting Si Miller of course). Usually during the summer its easy to track these two down because they will surely be down the lake flexing and getting browner, more tanned that is and im not talking about what they get up to in the public washrooms.

These two bronzed boys are currently in Colorado building the slopestyle course for Colorado Crankworx. Rumour has it that Boss John has gone away so they have been building giant penises and updating their Facebook profiles. Off course I didnt believe this for a moment so i internet spied them and it has to be said that they have been quite busy erecting obstacles and rubbing dirt. Check out their progress here


Went to Vancouver today. First time I've walked around in a city for about a year and a half (sorry kiwis but Dunedin or Invercargil don't count cause they ain't real cities).

Kinda weird but homely. Reminded me of times gone by riding my BMX around the city looking for skateparks, staying up for three days straight every weekend, doing dirty drugs, living off pizza, shooting photos and immersing myself in the quagmire of Human filth that is city life.

The main thing that got me was how tall I felt walking around the streets. It's strange what with all the mega buildings and traffic, but i think i felt so tall because the majority of people seemed to be asian. Also i forgot what a mix of Guidos and Hipsters there is. You turn one block and the 'style' changes from Tommy Hilfiger and Bvlgari to American Apparel and thrift store classics. The only constant is that there will be a homeless dude or lady on every corner that you pass.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Shit Tricks

Kelly 'Golden Arches' McGarry is on a mission!
Day in day out he is hunting for opportunities to "slay it", "kill it" or "shred it".

Last week he put his portable trick booter to use when he found a huge pile of steaming horse crap.

A wonderful evening was spent flinging our junk into the dung heap. 

Highlights: doing a flip after two months and Kelly doing off axis front flips - Frontie McBazzas?

Lowlights: smelling like shit for days after, tasting shit for days after, feeling like shit for days after.

Sunday, July 6, 2008


Too good!!! The lines look so much fun, if you can find them, and the video has a great spirit.

Sunday Randoms

First up, the results for the Phat Wednesday are up here.

On friday i had the pleasure of marshaling the BC Race which came through Whistler for the final stage. Anybody not familiar with this race just needs to know that this is a mega race, seven days of singletrack riding through British Columbia with between 45 and 120kms of riding each day. This is no pootle on fireroads and tarmac, this is grueling technical singletrack.

usually i wouldnt be best pleased to stand in  the middle of nowhere watching spandex cruise past, but this race is different. For one thing it was the last day so you could tell that the riders were a bit more relaxed cause they knew it was almost the end. They all had such good spirit and i found myself clapping, cheering and hooting uncontrollably because i was so impressed with their achievement. The other awesome bit about it was seeing childhood hero and Lord of the Undead, Immortal Being of the Wheel, Tinker Juarez. I had to stop myself from pulling him off the side of the track (not like that) and getting him to sign my Kenda Dred Tread tires.

Other highlight was seeing Wade Simmons coming through pretty high in the rankings (top 30 of 400 riders) and wearing baggy shorts rather than lycra like everyone else.

Apologies for lack of visual clues. Still haven't recieved my new camera and for some reason i cant download photos off the web. 

Saturday, July 5, 2008

101 Ways To Waste Time

I wanted to start this How To column for a while now but after following my own advice for so long it looked like I was doomed to fail in presenting you with 101 WAYS TO WASTE TIME...

Option 1)  Mega hilarious news site about the real world

Option 2) Vice Magazine online library of Dos and Don'ts. Revisit golden oldies or check out the ever expanding collection.

Option 3) VBS TV. Fuck the TV that comes out of your plasma screen, the best TV is now found on the internet. All you need is a half decent internet connection, but saying that, if you have a good connection then you are probably already wasting your time by rubbing the hair off your palms as fast as it's growing. 

So there's the first three. The rest to follow.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Goals For The Oldies

So today is my b'day, and it's time to reflect, regroup and make some new targets. This year i'm making a big and medium to long term goal.

I reckon that contrary to the norm that im getting faster, fitter, and better as a rider with each year that passes. So why can't i still become a World Champ? Of course i can, and thats my goal from now on.

Of course i dont think its likely that i will be racing WC against the likes of Sam Hill, the Athertons and a  handful of slow yanks, but in two years i will be moving up into the Masters category and i think thats my oppurtunity for getting the rainbow stripes.

Heres a rather long yet fun video of last years masters podium ceremony. The bloody Irish can certainly cheer. Which countries jersey will I be in?

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Homesick video

feeling pretty homesick for Queenstown today so i took a virtual trip over to MTBCUT.TV and checked out the 18 min scene report that Stu Thompson did on Queenstown back in December 07.

I love this video not just because there tonnes of mi-mi in it, but because it takes me back to THE BEST PLACE ON EARTH and makes me twitchy to get back there. Of course there's plenty of faces that are here in Whistler at the mo, but watching it really made me yearn for those faces and places i miss, particularly Tim Ceci, Pangus, Vertigo, Gorge Road and the mountians.

To check it out go to click on 'locations' on the left side then scroll down till you see it.

Big things for the coming summer in Queenstown, but lets get this crazy summer in Whistler and the shitty winter in NZ out the way first.

Phat Wednesday numero secundo

The second Phat Wednesday race went off like bad cheese left in the sun. This weeks course was the always interesting AP>WCS>HCM, which is also a computer code cheat for DreamWeaver that gives you infinite life membership to No one can ever say I'm not generous.

Everyone knows that the top section of this track is tighter than a young girls chuff, but as loose as the same girl after the first semester at college. Excessive training (AKA: cheat line hunting) by alot of people and the sudden heat wave left the course pretty worked come wednesday evening.

There was notable absences partly due to Pyschosis roadtrips and choice of course but still 140 riders came out to play, including 25 women. Which shouldn't be such a point of interest but we still have to act surprised less they feel unloved.

The only results that count were mine and the top boys and girls. As soon as they get published elsewhere i will steal the link and post it so bear with me.

Jen Ashton won the ladies, a young boy wont he junior boys, and an old dude won the Masters by vurtue of being the only old git there in attendence.

In the Big Boys category the usual suspects were up there but many others fell down the results board by falling down in their run. I would like to put out a big shout out to the twat hiding in the bushes at the first corner making a noise like a monkey rape victim that made me jump out my skin and hit the very first tree and come to a dead stop. Pleasantly I still managed 7th place which i would of being pleased with without a crash but now im left thinking "What if that twat had stayed at home rubbing one off to pictures of young Ukrainian boys?"

The winner in the Dudes category was some aussie pinner who came out and smoked the field by like 6 seconds. The little shit forgot to bring his ID so he couldnt/didnt share his winnings on beers for all. In future i say prize money should be withheld till the winner goes home and gets his ID so beer can be bought and drunk.

The after party was weak as many people had to get home to pack their bags full of Creatine and brake pads for the Psychosis trip. It kinda felt empty not getting drunk afterwards. It was nice to wake up feeling good and not like some chick had punched me square in the nose for a change.    

ps. i will try steal the results and photos as soon as someone else posts them somewhere else.

New re-beginnings

Well its been a while since I worked on any sort of online hate mail but i have been inspired my the current barrage of blogs that have popping up. Also sometimes i wake up and there's all this useless stuff i want to say but i cant say anywhere but around my friends and when i do say that stuff they look at me all like "righto, kiddo" and they turn their back and go back to doing whatever they were doing before I let off the verbal diarrhoea.

I think also this is an act of desperation of an ageing man. I turn another year older tomorrow and I see these blog thingys as a pretty youth thing to do, so by doing one I'm keeping young.

This blog will be a place for my own selfish thoughts, a junkyard for ideas that wont make it further, random observations, sarcastic critique, and shout outs to the deserving.

So far no pictures. my beautiful fiancee has bought me a new camera for me burthday but it aint turned up but when it does rest assured there will be visual clues to the rambles and rants.